dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
