Betty ford says i'm here all night
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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