Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
