I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He literally asked permission to hit on me
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
