My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
