youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
