On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize