Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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