Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
