Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
