dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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