I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
