after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize