Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
