after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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