I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
