i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
