She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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