i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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