I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
