She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize