Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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