I'm so fucking centered right now
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
