I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
