just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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