i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
