At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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