If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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