I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have aggressive nipples.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
