On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
