I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's rum buckets o'clock
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
