I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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