You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize