Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
