i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
