his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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