one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
where are you?
Hypothermia
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
