I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
We left the knife in your bed.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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