I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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