I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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