I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
