I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
it glows. i had to have it.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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