Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
