I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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