evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
