she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
