my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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