Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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