Jerry, you need to find god
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
