he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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