ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
