you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i think my cat just said my name.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
