Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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