I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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