Cold hands, warm shart.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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