ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
