im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
