i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
