U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
