I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
