We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize