i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
