What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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