I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
