He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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