I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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