i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
