So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
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