you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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