Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
