End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
